Personal

My Magic Shield

By September 17, 2018 No Comments

In a world where many of us aim for a permanent state of happiness we are often disappointed when time after time this is not handed to us on a silver plate.

But are the lows such a bad thing?  Well yes is the answer to that question.  Especially when you are going through such a low but bare with me.  I can be more philosophical in my answer when I am not feeling so down and come up with some sort of response that basically states that we need the lows in order to feel the highs.

Without the lows we would feel a kind of dull level of ‘ok ish ness’.  Which will sound incredibly appealing, especially to someone who does go through such cycles.  But even people without such traits maybe would welcome a world where we are always on one level.  Not happy and not sad.  This is a state I do sometimes find myself in.  The term I commonly come across for this type of mood is flat.

The signature of my low mood has many angles but commonly when I feel low I feel as though I am not good enough, that I’m not hard working, I don’t care for my clients, I’m lazy, I’m lucky (i.e. any success I have had was down to chance), I am unpopular – I could go on.  Basically, these raise their ugly heads whenever I am not feeling great.

I then go to the higher part where I do feel amazing and little bothers me, I could get thoughts that I’m lazy for example and I just laugh it off, “how can this be true of myself, I’m great” and so on.  All this negativity bounces off me, it’s like I have a magic shield around me.  Even people can say things that at other times could really shake me to the core but when I’m feeling great it just doesn’t register.

There are varying degrees of feeling ‘high’ for me and these can range from feeling content right up to thinking I am some sort of human version of God.

I’m not sure this is common but it’s my reality.  But if I had to trade the lows for the highs (I’m talking within a healthy non-episode range) then I would not.

Going back to the point at the start of this post, the lows give me scope to be able to feel and appreciate the highs.

But the key with my condition is to keep the lows not too low and the highs not too high and that’s what I feel the medication does, I feel myself going to the extremes but there is something blocking it.  I’m very grateful that there is something blocking it as I do not want to go to the extremes again.  That is very damaging.

Healthy mood fluctuations are natural and normal and can’t really be escaped from.  Many people do a whole range of things to escape  this reality – often these are highly addictive and unhealthy and make you feel worse in the long run.

I think if you are a deep thinker then you are more likely to feel the darker side of life and you probably see the world for how it is and that isn’t always a nice place.  But you more often rewarded in many varying ways, some that you are yet to discover.