I may totally contradict my previous post where I talked about medication (www.graydays.co.uk/medication – 13/04/2018) and have deliberately not read it again so that I don’t sensor my current views.
A few weeks ago I did question whether I really need to take the small handful of tablets that I consume each night before bed. But then I remembered what I have and what I have achieved since taking these drugs.
The flip side to this is more of a spiritual one whereby I feel I am not living a true life in the sense that it’s like being permanently drunk. I’m not living in reality, I live in a false world created by the drugs, or so you could argue.
But then the other side of me kicks in and argues that I know I need them and the consequences of not taking them could, and probably would be, very serious. I am in effect addicted to these drugs and without them my brain would not be able to function.
Then the other niggling part of me says you have a purpose and you are not fulfilling your true purpose to the maximum. It goes on to say, yes you are achieving great things whilst taking these drugs but imagine what you could achieve if you were clean from them.
There are also the long-term side effects which are relatively unknown, I do attend a clinic for my Lithium every quarter where they do me a full health check but who knows what else is happening.
At my last annual review I did think they were going to reduce my Olanzapine intake from 10mg to 7.5mg but it was said by my psychiatrist that this would not be wise and that it was still very early with my recovery. I didn’t agree but kept my mouth shut and went along with it. After all he knows a lot more about mental health medications that I do.
But in summary, despite all this confusion I am quite happy on the dosage I take and the drugs I consume. I am the happiest I have ever been (I think) and content in the moment but looking to the future. I live the life I want to lead with the people I want to live it with and I don’t think this would be the case without my little friends.