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If I were to die tomorrow………

By May 4, 2020 No Comments

As I sit here in my little office on Cotswold Drive I feel a great deal of satisfaction running through me.  I feel great contentment in the world.  This could mean many things but most alarmingly it could mean that I am becoming manic.  To be honest I don’t think I am, the medication takes care of that side of things but I have been sleeping far less and wanting to read far more.  That said my concentration is fairly high and all the other early warning signs, such as the thought that I may be a prophet or other humble statements like that, are currently absent.

That said, I have felt a little lower in mood last week which I documented in a previous post and all this may be the cycle.  It’s not uncommon for me to fluctuate between two moods, one lower and one higher.  Often, I would really like to be in the middle all the time but when I’m more elevated the magic comes out.

I think Irvin Yalom has been a major contributing factor to my good feeling over the last few days, I’ve been reading ‘Becoming Myself’ which is an autobiography of his life and the journey he went on.  I find it so inspiring and it just makes me want to read and be the best therapist I can be.  I know that this line of work is where I belong.  I saw a clip on Facebook the other day about Angelina Jolie and Angelina quoted something her Mum said about being in service to others.  I totally agree with that statement and find that I am me when I am in service to others.

Whilst I was doing some off the cuff thinking I pondered, how would I feel if I died tomorrow?  Kind of a strange question but I was thinking about asking a similar question to one of my clients but coming from a different angle. 

So how would I feel?  Well by and large I would be ok with it.  I came to this physical plain and stated who I am and what I am here for.  Or at least what I thought I was here for.  I made some significant changes to my life and lifestyle following my epiphany in 2012 and I now lead a life that is much more in keeping with who I am.  In counselling terms by ideal self and real self are much more integrated leading to a more harmonious way of life, or as Carl Roger’s called it, Congruence.

Fig 1: When the two circles join we are more Congruent. This is good!

I contributed to the world of literature by writing an account of my life and I have tried to attract everything one can need for a fulfilling life.  The only thing that I’d be upset about where if I were to die tomorrow was I never truly loved someone (or at least made them aware of it).  I’ve never really had anyone to share this beautiful world with.  Now don’t get me wrong I’m currently working on this but if I were to die tomorrow that’s the only thing I’d be a bit gutted about.

The fact that I lived a life true to who I am and by a reasonable set of moral standards gives me great pride and satisfaction.  I have fallen short of the mark at times but, come on, I am human.  At least for now.

The very act of being able to be myself in conversation is the greatest gift I am in receipt of right now.  To be me, to hold conversation and not to be over judgemental about my interactions is just heaven for me.  If I can have this then I have it all.  For having it all and not having that means nothing.

The meaning of my life is to give something of me away in every contact I have.  Not because I’m altruistic but because I know it always come back to me.  Multiplied. 

And it is on that note I will leave this little post because what might happen is I stay up writing different passages, then read too much and then not sleep.  Now all this is great when I’m being so productive but it always leads to a crash.  Then I want to do far less which leads to feelings of being lazy which ultimately lead to guilt.  You’d think after all these years I could break the cycle but, if truth be told, would I wanna do that?