At war with myself

By May 6, 2020 No Comments

So today I read the passage on the image below;

Those words are at the heart of so many of my own battles and demons.  The reason is I cannot forgive myself for the hurtful things I have said in my past.  There is of course includes the whole plethora of comments I made whilst I was manic in 2012. Often people excuse these events by saying ‘’yeah but you were unwell, you weren’t yourself’’.  Sadly, those well wished comments do not stick, I take full responsibility for my actions during that time period.  For the record, karma took care of me and I paid the price.

But what the photo reminds me of isn’t my actions of 2012, bad as they were, but my careless attitude to not only my life but people and their feelings.  This mainly refers to examples of when I was heavily intoxicated. 

It’s strange that on the odd occasions when I have taken drugs I very rarely have regrets for my actions.  Except when I smoked a lot of Methamphetamine whilst travelling around Western Australia and I proceeded to call the entire contents of my phone book and talked for hours to all these various people about how life was great, as well as discussing all these delusional ideas about how I was going to live moving forwards. 

But that was more embarrassment and isn’t the same as the shame I have felt when waking up in the morning after a heavy night drinking and reliving the events in my head; that feeling was just the worst.

Whilst in Australia in 2007 I was very unhappy and if I looked back I could say that I was at war with myself – hence my attraction to the photo attached above.  I was very lonely, felt as though no one either liked or resected me and generally had such a low opinion of myself and to be fair it was probably justified.  I was living with an Irish couple, which although it started really well and I think they initially enjoyed my company but towards the end it was apparent that they didn’t want me to live with them, this of course played into my insecurities.

The night in question, which is the whole reason for this entry, I was very drunk and I ordered a pizza from Domino’s in Scarborough, Perth.  The pizza came and when the young lady arrived I stated that she looked a mess in the beige trousers they wore as uniform and also that she needs to get a proper job.  Now that wasn’t directed at her I now know that subconsciously I was attacking myself.

To be honest I can’t remember feeling too bad about the event, my housemate told me I was very rude and of course she was right. 

Now 13 years passed and I didn’t even think of this event and in January 2020 when I was under a lot of pressure from a talk I was preparing for it hit me like a ton of bricks.  Not only did I feel such guilt for my actions but I couldn’t get it out of my head that she went home and killed herself.  It was like I jumped to the absolute worst-case scenario.  I also, and this is where I don’t know what’s real or not, then thought that I called her a very hurtful name.  Which made me feel even worse.  This is an interesting point as this is potentially a false memory whereby the truth is distorted and is very important in these kind of matters.  To be honest I don’t think I did call her that, I think that is my mind trying to make it worse for me.

It took me 3 months until I could get the thought out of my head that my actions in 2007 resulted in this innocent delivery girl ending her own life and even now if I’m low in mood I can’t shake it.

But the point is, I was so rude and arrogant to this sweet young girl because I was at war with myself.  It’s just worth remembering if someone hurts you, they are probably hurting themselves.

Having tried to make significant change in my life since those dark days and maybe that’s why I find my actions so awful, it’s like I am judging myself on my standards of today which are much higher.

So, if you are out there pizza girl, I truly am sorry.  It wasn’t you I didn’t like, it was me.

Please forgive me.